If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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