In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You pole danced in your parka.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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