you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
