I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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