the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
