Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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