i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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