At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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