So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
