Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I could make wine with my vomit
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm just crazy horny about you
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
