omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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