I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
