If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
