smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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