i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
