i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
