the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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