i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
