since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
