remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
