I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
