What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
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Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
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I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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