I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
