you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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