what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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