So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
