His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
