I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
