The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
a search helicopter?!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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