woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
my poor anus
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
