i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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