Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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