So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I wish I only lived at night.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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