She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
