So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
