I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
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She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
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There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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