Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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