i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
