I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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