I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
