Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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