cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I got inside last night via doggy door
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
