So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
