I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
