Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
