I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
