While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It's rum buckets o'clock
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
