He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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