My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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