Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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