I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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