good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
