were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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