he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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