The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
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just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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