I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
