it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
